As you may well know, men generally need time to process things that they are facing so this is late to some of you and right on time to the rest of you. And to blow the lid off another male stereotype, I’m going to share my feelings so I hope this article lands where and how I intended it to.
For the last few years, I have been struggling with a nagging pain in my head. It was only recently that I realized it was because of a consistent banging my head against an invisible wall. I was trying to make a round peg fit into a square hole in certain areas of my life. Sure, I can take a mallet and ram that bad boy in there but it won’t look good and that hole won’t be good for much else afterwards. I’ve done that much to my detriment.
I have a happy, fruitful marriage and a wonderful wife and best friend who is supportive on a level that I have never seen before. Not just in prayer and regarding our faith in Jesus Christ, but also in just listening and consoling me when I emotionally crash under the immense weight that many men carry in this culture. I’m privileged but I was struggling. You ever felt like you were living beneath your privileges? You ever felt like you were just coasting and living an unfulfilled life? I began to make a lot of excuses for things being “good enough”.
After 6 grueling years as a manager with the State Dept, making more money than I have in my professional life, I was still left empty and unfulfilled. I was displeased with the competitive, cut-throat, “corporate” mindset and the “CYA” culture. I changed careers through an opportunity to do industrial recruiting, essentially tasked with helping young (and older) people from the lower to middle class families find sound employment. I got a steady dose of prospective employees who craved a $18/hr lifestyle but had a $7.50/hr work ethic. That was my burden to bear it seemed.
But in my quest to help people, I found myself adopting another “corporate mind” of seeing people as lesser than they are due to their socio-economic status or their stability-challenged upbringing. Corporate, because although it was not explicitly placed in our weekly newsletters, it was implicitly the mind of certain people within our organization. It was not just the mind when I worked for the government or in recruiting, it was the mindset of the city and state that I lived in. I began to be the opposite of the change I wanted to see and I hated it.
The final nail in the coffin was being summarily dismissed from my recruiting job at the height of the Coronavirus pandemic. What was called a layoff was a two fold opportunity. It was a business decision to ensure certain financial considerations were met in the future and a great alibi to achieve certain cultural goals in the office. The writing was on the wall. My manager showed signs of a desire for an all-female workplace. If it was a secret, it wasn’t well-kept. I was the “odd man out” literally and figuratively. It was revealed weeks prior in a brief exchange that I was hired because I “spoke the language” and I was “security” in case there was “a communication problem” with any of the volatile associates. Not conjecture. Facts. I saw it. I heard it. Every week I worked there for six months. I just ignored the chatter because I needed to work. My delusion that things would get better vocationally and emotionally without any change lied in that pine box and this was indeed the final nail. I’m not even bitter. I am ticked off that I was passive when activity was required. But as life will inevitably teach you: timing is everything.
My former employers saw people as numbers to be entered into databases. They saw them as a means to an end. They didn’t care about the people. They didn’t care about the souls. They were disingenuous and pretended to care with a public “bless their hearts” but under the surface was a private “their lives don’t matter – they are replaceable”. I sadly experienced this same mentality in college, at work, and even in the local churches since moving South. 25 years is enough of a sample size to see the writing on that wall. I just couldn’t live with the status quo another day. I tried to exemplify the change I wanted to see. I am not sure I was successful but I had so many overwhelming thoughts that took precedence.
Now I had to think about being out of work during a pandemic. How do I provide for my family? Will we have enough food to eat under a lengthy quarantine? What if I need insurance? Will I have to deplete my savings? Can I buy important items when we really need them? What happens if a member of my household got sick? What do I do if a member of my family out-of-state falls ill? If we’re in hurricane season and have to evacuate, where can we go? Being laid off felt a little malicious (in my opinion), but it allowed me some needed time for reflection. I needed to address the elephant in the room, that invisible wall.
Through much prayer and meditation, I saw the writing on the wall this time. No doubt this time. If I want to change my outcome, I need to change my investments. That even means changing my environment. I’m thankful for every opportunity I was fortunate enough to have the past 24 years. I’ve met the most beautiful woman I have ever known. I have a lovely lineage of children and grandchildren that I would not have had otherwise. I have forged some strong, vital relationships that I cherish and thank the Lord or every day. I’m thankful for every job where I managed people and resources and had access to speak life into the lives of others was a privilege. I am grateful for every situation where I was unduly persecuted or mistreated that made me stronger and forced me to my knees in prayer. I am hopeful that I have learned about myself enough to weather future storms and not be enslaved to past experiences. If I never made a lasting, valuable impact on you as a friend, a family member, or a supporter of Mirror Time, then maybe today will be the first.
Pick up a magazine or look at some media coverage and you will think where you are is the best or worst place on Earth. It’s truly time to turn the page. It’s time to turn the channel. I’ll need to again be the change that I want to see. Thank you for listening and supporting. This is only just the beginning.
Mirror Time with Mr. Yu 