How To Live In A Post-Corona World

Life, in and of itself, brings us twists and turns and enough shock value to last us a lifetime but what life does accomplish, even for the uninitiated, is always and never fails to do is provide opportunities to learn, to turn, to grow, and to evolve.

Almost a year ago, I have left the corporate and government contracting world. More aptly put, I ran out of the building screaming as if I was on fire. I had simply had enough of that kind of life. I was stressed. I was angry. I was discontented. And I was simply unhappy. So I took a little break and went into the world of staffing and recruiting, which I found out within one week was the same kind of work I ran away from less than a year prior. I suppose if you need a visual, I was the guy that walked through the revolving door in an office building but I never get in nor do I ever get out. I just keep going around in a circle. I was right back where I started just on a smaller scale but the stress, the anger, and the lack of fulfillment was still palpable for me.

Unbeknownst to me, somewhere across the world, someone was coughing, complaining of fever, and joint pain, someone was losing their sense of smell and taste, someone was dying. While I was working diligently to build a new career, “it” was happening, “it” was spreading, “it” was reaching out its hand to touch another life. Not more than a month from that, as I sat at my desk at the tail end of a really good day, my boss called me into her office. She was unable to look me in the eye and I instantly knew what this meant. Within several uncomfortable seconds, I was being laid off due to budget cuts relating to the Coronavirus outbreak. Life provided the twist and turn. I had to go home and tell my wife that I didn’t have a job, which also meant I didn’t have a check.

Now I had to see the opportunity in this. I was sitting at home with no immediate prospect for money. I couldn’t get anyone from the Unemployment department on the phone. And I was getting multiple phone calls saying that my loved ones were either sick or had died from complications relating to something called Covid-19.

And here is where many Americans find themselves. Americans just like me. And some in much worst circumstances. Now the vicious cycle begins.

According to a U.S. Chamber of Commerce poll on http://www.debt.org, “approximately 43% of small businesses likely will close permanently within the final six months of 2020. When July began, nearly 100 companies with more than $100M in debt had filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection, according to the American Bankruptcy Institute, which includes “department stores, hotels, cruise lines, rental car companies, airlines, restaurants, and movie theaters.”

Even in that, you can clearly see that the majority of the activities you enjoyed outside of your home and your home state were in the crosshairs of this pandemic. That means besides maybe a drive to the grocery store, or a nice walk through the community, you were relegated to the four walls of home. Home might be where the heart is but it is also where the overwhelming thoughts are, and the stack of hospital bills are, and the frenetic energy of children not able to go to school or day care are, and where you are reminded that so many could lose everything if positive change doesn’t come quickly. That isn’t likely to be a remedy provide by your local unemployment department.

Statistics complied from The Pew Research Center (pew research.org – Rakesh Kochhar ) indicated that more than 20.5 million Americans were unemployed in the month of May alone and the unemployment rate skyrocketed to 13% in the same month. This was the second highest rate in the post-World War II era. These numbers are greater than the Great Recession (December 2007-June 2009). Add to this to the threat of infection, short term illness, and perhaps even death, this resembles a “worst case scenario” to most folks. That’s what a world with coronavirus in it looks like. But even with all that I have personally experienced, I still possess a modicum of optimism that this will not last forever, that the state we’re in is not our new normal. So what can we expect on the other side of this pandemic?

1. Take Stock Of Your Situation
   I’m not a big advocate of getting all of my news from the news so to speak. The local news can be discouraging, confusing, and downright scary. You may hear a round of new statistics, Coronavirus cases, unemployment rises and dips, and the accompanying political rhetoric as well. But what is your situation? What does your financial situation say? Have you been adept at saving money? Does your family employ wise spending habits? Many of us are forced to be reactive now that we’re faced with unemployment, bankruptcy and our local boutiques and Mom and Pops store closing for good. But what is your specific situation? Do you have enough savings or emergency funds to last your household three months? Six months? Nine months? A year? Look at your finances rather than the television set and assess where you specifically are. If you never paid that any attention, now is an ideal time for a full update.
2. Develop a Strategy
   Now that you can clearly see where you are financially, what is the next step? I’m suggesting, from personal experience, develop a strategy. My wife and I sat down after we combed through a sea of bills and debts and after we finished lamenting our precarious situation, we started to craft a plan. Since no one (and I emphasize NO ONE) truly knows how long this pandemic will adversely affect us, we wanted to get a broad view of how long we could survive with all these changes in mind. If we had to use our savings, how long would that last? Can we survive on three square meals a week? Will we have to eat peanut butter and jelly every day until? Should we become temporary vegetarians until we can afford meat again? We thought about almost every scenario. Get some paper and a pen and sit down with your family if you haven’t already. Tighten up your boot straps. Cut out the unnecessary items no matter how much you love and NEED them. What can you do reasonably without? Include that in your plans. You might have to adopt a minimalist mentality until this storm passes.
3. Think Contingencies
   Even though you are probably the best hairdresser in your city or the best travel agent in your town, you may not be able to use those incredible skills. I asked myself the same question that I am asking you today: What do you do when you can’t do what you absolutely love to do? To some, even the very thought is torturous but it’s a reality for us in this season. I have a nearly 20 year background in Administrative and Operations along with being a creative writer and author for more than three decades. What if I can’t do any of those things anymore? What if there just isn’t a place for that while we are quarantined? I began to consider how can I make that plan we crafted together with the family work. Can I cast aside ego and bag groceries at the local supermarket where my neighbors will surely see me? Am I willing to work entry level in an essential job for which I have no background? Logistics? Construction? Sanitation? Is there any place that I would not work until we can get out of this? That might be the biggest tip I can give you today. It is indeed the deal breaker!
4. Do The Impossible
   Do the impossible? What’s that? After decades of coaching my clients and helping them make ground-breaking decisions, I have rarely ever taken my own advice. Shameful I know! Why was I even working in that recruiting job where I had to be father, babysitter, and camp counselor to young adults to senior age 17-70 (true story!)? Why did I even apply for and take the assignment with the State Government? What drew me to a place where I pretty much knew I would not enjoy it long term? Most times, at least for me anyway, it was financially motivated. I, like many, tried to find the job that paid the most and had the best benefits. I left out a crucial requirement: A job that I would gladly leap out of bed for every day because you loved I that much. Very rare but congratulations if you have found your dream job. These last six months have been wrought with twists and turns without a doubt. I can write a book on this and I probably will down the line. But I learned a lesson that I wouldn’t trade for anything. I can do what I thought was impossible. What is that thing that if you could do it for free, you would do it gladly without complaint? What gives you that kind of joy and fulfillment? What is your dream job? I believe I found mines. (I may have found three of them.) What is stopping you from fulfilling that dream? Is it your geographical location? Is it your own imagination? Is it financial in nature? Is it just simple fear of failure? I don’t know which it is for you but the pressures of life can create the brightest of diamonds.

Life can be so fleeting. The last six months have taught me that if nothing else. I simply refused to let my life be a cautionary tale of what happens when one denies themselves their dream because they fear being uncomfortable. My old mentor (God rest his soul) used this quote all the time and I believe it applies very well in this context.

“The graveyard is the richest place on earth, because it is here that you will find all the hopes and dreams that were never fulfilled, the books that were never written, the songs that were never sung, the inventions that were never shared, the cures that were never discovered, all because someone was too afraid to take that first step, keep with the problem, or determined to carry out their dream.” – Les Brown

I am determined to live in a post-Corona world by living the best life possible. I made plenty of excuses. I used many alibis. People all around us are feeling the impact of this new normal and then there are many around us that are re-inventing themselves and using the flood waters of adversity to rise above their circumstances. Don’t wait for the world around you to make you change. Change your world now! I hope you found this article helpful and insightful. Thanks for listening.

The Empty Crib

Fam, today, I am endeavoring to be whole. I’m embracing the truth and removing the leverage the enemy of my soul has used liberally against me. (John 10:10a) Thank you, in advance, for your support, comments, love, and your prayers.

Yes, we may have Jesus as Lord. (Romans 10:9-10) We have a heritage and a promise. Still we must denounce harmful behaviors…frequently confess…..often repent, and fight for what’s been given us. Every day, that same enemy wages war against us to kill, steal, and destroy, so we must stand. (John 10:10a, Ephesians 6) So, with that being said, and in the spirit of transparency which Mirror Time strives for, I’d like to share a story of my failure for your edification and my spiritual growth.

I was living on Staten Island in a townhome with my two best friends and business partners. Barely legal but singing, songwriting, producing, trying to make a dollar out of fifteen cents. Pandering in living rooms and studios of the some of the biggest names in music ever! We were consummate hustlers! We hustled everyone, even each other. We didn’t know when to pause. The line was blurred. It was as normal to us as breathing was.

I met this young woman during a ride to an appointment via the Staten Island ferry. She was with her two little sisters. I approached and they were fully hanging off every word I said. I knew I had their full attention. There was something different about her. I didn’t know what but we connected and starting calling each other. I didn’t have any expectations because I had trust and commitment issues. I was just talking and having fun and being young.

I learned she had three children from a prior relationship, and was from a very religious family, in a Christian denomination, Apostolic Pentecostal, I think. Their women wouldn’t cut their hair and wore small doilies on their heads. They wore long dresses too. She wore the same attire that first day on the ferry as well but I walked past multiple scantily clad women just to talk to her.

Within a few weeks of phone discussions, I had met her parents at her insistence and they treated me as I expected. They looked at me like I was a stray their daughter brought home. They grilled me about everything, including if I had any outside kids, then they would glance at their daughter. Dang! They could’ve, at least, told me about Jesus. LOL. That was the only “date” we went on besides a few ferry rides to the city to walk around and maybe get a bite to eat. We talked on the phone for hours at a time and began a physical relationship for several weeks. On a non-rehearsal day, I got a phone call from her. She told me she felt really sick and told me she was pregnant. I didn’t have any evidence but I accepted it.

Should I marry her and have an instant family of six? Was I raising this child Apostolic Pentecostal or Episcopal? Would I be able to live with in-laws that loathed me? Was I going to be ready to be a father when I was just barely legal a year or two ago and didn’t know what a father looked like? How could I support them with no degree and no full time job? I was on a roller coaster and I hate roller coasters. My friends offered advice and opinions as to what I should do but they didn’t want to lose their chance at a music career. I didn’t want to disappoint them if I was being honest. The dignity of regular work was respectable but I couldn’t afford to back out of everyone else’s dream.

The silence on the phone was deafening. I needed to answer but I didn’t know what to say. I really didn’t want her to have an abortion but I didn’t tell her that. I didn’t know if I wanted her to keep the baby because I didn’t have a father or a father figure and I wasn’t sure I wouldn’t screw up another life but I didn’t tell her that either. I didn’t know what I wanted so I did the most cowardly thing I have ever done in my life. I let her figure it out. I didn’t tell her what to do or what not to do. I was Switzerland in this romantic tale. I told her whatever you decide, I’m ok with it. She expressed that she would do anything for me and that she was in love with me. Those words feel empowering in some settings but that day, it was an albatross!

We hung up and I agonized over what to say. I was depressed and anxious. I couldn’t write any songs. I couldn’t even hum a melody and I couldn’t eat. My friends had definitive views but I struggled. I couldn’t sleep and for about a week, we didn’t communicate at all. (That was a lifetime for us and a huge mistake.) I was wracked with shame and decided I was going to call her. How could I explain this to my mother? I was determined to man up even if it displeased others and short circuited my goals. I knew what I was going to say. I wanted to keep our baby and continue our relationship. I wasn’t promising marriage or a home for all of her children but I was open to the idea if that was the right thing. I called her and left her a voicemail telling her not to make any decisions until we talked later. I had a busy schedule that morning so I was going to call again that evening. Before evening could come, I got another phone call from her. Good! She must’ve gotten my message. I was relieved. Yusef is going to have a baby! Wow. Then the showstopper. The mega-neutron bomb. The gut-punch!

Before I can say anything, she uttered three simple and seemingly harmless words but every syllable drew the life out of me and I thought I was having a heart attack. I felt faint and my body went limp at the sound of her voice. I could barely stand. She was elated and excited when she said it. No, the three words weren’t “I love you!” She’s said those to me before.

“I DID IT!”

My hands started to tremble and my eyes welled up with water. I started to stammer, choking on my saliva. It was several minutes before I could speak.

“Baby? Are you there?”, she said meekly.

“What did you do?”, I asked as my knees slightly buckled and I leaned my head against the window, barely strong enough to hold onto the corded phone in my hand. I didn’t want to hear the answer. I knew she wasn’t talking about getting her hair done.

“I got the abortion.”, she slowly muttered.

I think I went into a fugue state because all I could hear was silence even though she was explaining that she made an appointment to have the abortion and it was completed yesterday. It was in the early afternoon but I swear everything went dark. I might as well have been in a black hole. I couldn’t see any light for miles. I was a cocktail of anger, rage, guilt, and remorse. I let out a prolonged scream that was so loud that my insides shook. I thought my brain was going to shut down. I could hear the feet of my friends racing to my closed bedroom door, knocking and calling out to me. I screamed and wailed in a way I never have before. I fell to my knees and dropped my head against my window pane. Within seconds, she began to scream and cry on the other line. I don’t know what she was saying but I could hear the word “sorry” here and there.

“Why, why?” I moaned. “Why, why?”

My mind was everywhere. If I was mature enough to decide in the beginning……if she told me she made an appointment…….called me before the procedure……maybe I could have, would have, might have……What if we took the time to talk about it…..??????

I don’t know how much time past on that phone call but I spent 15, 30 minutes sobbing and dry heaving. I felt like I did something really wrong. I felt so wicked and dirty. I never saw a sonogram or a pregnancy test but I felt like a murderer. I thought I didn’t deserve happiness and I would always live this uncommitted, unfulfilled life and rightly so. I hated my face in the mirror. I lost the energy to live out my dream. I had no expectations. I was a zombie in the horror movie of my life: already dead and it was the best and worst it could be. She apologized profusely and I did the same but I never blamed her. I put it all on myself. We were able to forgive each other but I knew it. We were over. I broke her heart and maybe did more damage than that to her mind. It took decades to get free of the carnage I unleashed on myself. I couldn’t trust again. I couldn’t let myself be committed.

I was starting to hear voices. Sounds of children laughing and playing and calling me “Da-Da”. I was tormented by my guilt and shame. Was it a little boy with dimples and freckles? Was it a little girl with bright brown eyes and a big smile who would love to sing? Was I having twins? Triplets? I’ll never know now. I was co-conspirator in an undertaking I was wholly unprepared for the consequences of. As tears roll down my face and my eyesight is blurried by tears, I tell you today that life is precious. These are the kind of life-changing situations that can change you in unfathomable ways. They leave a mark. They scar. But you can recover. You can be healed.

I am so sorry. I wish I could apologize to her more than I already have. If I knew this would have been, I would kept walking past her on that ride to the city. There were plenty of warning signs that said our relationship wouldn’t last. It’s not like they were hidden. I regret wounding someone because of my selfishness. I regret that this was the legacy I left behind. An empty crib. A teddy bear that will never be snuggled. A bottle that will not be filled with milk. A cry that won’t be responded to by a loving parent. A heart that won’t beat against mines. A little me that will never be.

I don’t know what you are dealing with today but whatever it is that comes in those fleeting thoughts that you just try to ignore, take those thoughts captive. Don’t allow them to take residence in your head and cause you to forfeit your bright tomorrow. We have all sinned and come short of the glory of God (Rom 3:23) but we are being offered life and life more abundantly (John 10:10b). I confess my sin right now in the name of Jesus Christ! I accept His gift today! I choose to live today for the Gift-giver! I want to be made whole!

Mending Broken Hearts

Guys, thank you so much for all of you that support me and my vocation as an author.

Many of you know the story but the short of it is my first book, “The Heart of A Stepfather” was published by a company that not only didn’t honor the commitments in their publishing package but they also kept all my royalties. I am not asking for any pity, just want you to understand why this post is being shared with you.

 

I was blessed to enter into partnership with another publishing company, Cooke House Publishing, and they have promised to do things much differently and better than what I had experienced. I believe that and my next book, Skipping the STEP, should be out this fall.

 

In the interim, I need to break free of the “old” so I can embrace the “new”. My first book, from your reviews, has been inspirational and therapeutic. I have been selling the book sparingly and have even donated some to families in need. I have about seventeen books left. They’re selling for $10 but I’m willing to help you if you need it. Reach out to me privately and I will try to help get the books into your hands.

This isn’t a book I’m hocking to get famous. There is a sincere point to all the blood, sweat, and tears. I have actual testimonials from people who have been touched by this book and it has radically changed their family life. At the very least, their approach to their family life. Writing this book mended my heart and it seems to be doing the same for others.

I would really appreciate your help making that dream a reality. Thank you all very much.